This morning as I sit here at my kitchen table looking out my bay window there is no movement, it is cold, foggy and still. The grass covered slightly with frozen dew in which it looks as though everything is frozen in time and space. I haven’t been writing daily like I should because I have had you know, one of those moods again. Like outside, my vision has been cold and foggy. I went through a slump this past week, and I don’t know if it was a spiritual attack or just a pity party. I saw myself in an arena with a crowd of people watching me. I saw myself chained at my wrist and ankles to concrete right in the center of the arena and was desperately trying to set myself free. I had a meltdown with my husband, refused to talk to anyone and took a nap one day for four hours. I did things as though my mind wasn’t working such as one of those times you put the milk in the cabinet instead of the fridge.
Now since I have opened my heart to all of you, do you think I am crazy? It has to be a woman thing. Can you relate? Sometimes my mind wants to rescue the world but my resources captivate my freedom to do so. The turmoil in Haiti this past week from the earthquake, the children in India needing help, the start of a new church plant, my sons going to and fro moving and deciding their future and my ailing parent’s emotions on how come I haven’t came and visit or called. I find myself wanting to crawl into a hole and take a break sometime. It is life, and life is not fair nor alway easy. Even when you are a Christian it doesn’t shield you from the circumstances of life. I never thought for once that God had left my side. I knew that it was me dealing with me, my past and my failures in the past of not being perfect. Maybe I have a high demand of expectation for myself for I can be negative when I choose to be. My husband tries his best to help me deal with this issue but sometimes he seems clueless in helping me pull myself out of what I call the stupidity hole and all about me.
I have also found out when I go through this foggy scenario , there are other women who were attacked at the same time. I have had several people call me and tell me about family feuds, depression, self-worth, past failure issues and other emotional issues. Call it a full moon or call it spiritual invasion, whatever the name, it is not an enjoyable life issue. The fact of the matter is when you come through it and out on the other side is that it makes you stronger and not go the other way. I look back at times and beat myself up for going through an ordeal in which seems ridiculous. As women who show importance in relationships with family, community and social life, we sometimes think we can handle it all and never fail or turn around. It is when we think we can do it all is when we get the rug pulled out from under our feet. God made women emotional and He wants us to depend upon Him through it all. We cannot look at the human point of view and return to an old lifestyle, old habits or sin to deal with our foggy and cold times. This will only result in self-destruction and complicate things. I have an understanding that I will pull through this and come out of it, even though it is not fun to be wandering through the frozen wilderness. It is a dark, cold and emotional condition with limited vision. Trapped in silence, alone and captured in time seem to play a big part of depression in which some find it hard to attain freedom.
The best thing about it is I know who to turn to. I know who brings out the sun and lets the light come through the fog. I know who warms the grass and melts the frozen, cold negative emotions. I know who brings life to the situation where time can move on with a clear vision of what is set before me in life. He is the One who is in control of my life, for I do not belong to myself but was bought with a price of His blood. I must learn to depend upon Him. I must know that when I am attacked through this foggy world that it only is for a short time and that it will not last forever. I know that my life will return to my normal routine again. I know when to find peace and rest and that is depending upon Him instead of myself and my limited abilities. So the next time you find yourself chained to a foggy, cold emotional state do some soul-searching. Pray and ask God to show you things in which you are not depending upon Him to take care of you. Get some rest, take a break and escape into His presence even if it is taking a nap for a day. Let Him carry the load in which we were not meant to bear.
Prayer: Lord I thank you for helping me get through this past week. I am learning to depend upon you for my help and trusting you in every circumstance. Continue to allow us to have wisdom, opportunity, and open doors to Your Kingdom that we may help others clear the way to find You. In Jesus Name. Amen